Today's Devotional Thought
April 29, 2013 by Rachel Piferi
He Will Carry You
As we mentioned last week, we just started reading Angie Smith's Mended in our Bible Study at church. I don't know if you know this remarkable woman and author, but if you do not, then I recommend that you get to know Angie Smith. She is the wife of Todd Smith from the Christian singing group, Selah. She is also a mom, author, and speaker. While she embraces the first two titles of wife and mom, the last two titles of author and speaker came as many of our life titles come...they came unexpectantly from the hand of God.
And they came through a horrible life experience.
One of the reasons that I just love Angie Smith is that part of her story is very much like mine. And this weekend, I spent some time revisiting her story by reading her account of it.
And in the process, I revisited my story...
Just like me, Angie was pregnant in the spring of 2008. Just like me, she had other children. And just like me, she was stunned when a 20 week ultrasound revealed that her baby was likely not going to live. Her baby's diagnosis was just like our baby's diagnosis. And the recommendation from the doctors to end her pregnancy was also just like ours.
And just like we did, she and her husband decided that they were going to put their baby's life in the hands of God. They decided to continue with their pregnancy to the end and with that decision declared that they were going to trust God to decide what their baby's future would look like.
And just like we did, they agonizingly waited for several months to meet their baby and to see what God had planned her.
Our stories deviate a bit at that point. Angie and Todd's baby lived a little over two hours and then she went home to be with Jesus. I have known about Angie's story for a long time, but have been a little reluctant to read her words about. For obvious reasons, I didn't know if I could handle it. Even though my pregnancy story ended in a dramatic, miraculous way, there are pieces of my story, like Angie's, that are indescribably heavy. And, while the Lord definitely worked and I would not give back any of the lessons learned through the pain, there are pieces of it that still arise deep pain and angst when I revisit it. I suppose we all have those pieces of our past that God has healed and worked through, but that can become so breathtakingly real again in a moment of recollection. And I suppose it was those pieces of her story {and mine} that I was not eager to revisit.
But for some reason, I was drawn to read her story, in her words, yesterday.
There were moments of reading her detailed description of the days of diagnosis or meetings with doctors or the lunch where her husband and she discussed their "options" that were frighteningly similar to my story. And in a moment, I was right back there. In the dimly lit procedure room where the doctor pulled up a stool, sat in front of me and with the most solemn tone said the words no expectant mother wants to hear, "Things look very grim."
At times, I wanted to stop reading her words because they transported me back to the darkest valley of my life, but, I kept reading because even though it was so painful, I could feel God so strongly in her words. And as I read about God working in her story, I remembered all the ways he had worked in mine. The new friendships that emerged to support us in that time. The weird "coincidences" that happened, even on the day of her birth, that left us shaking our head knowing that God had done it. The songs. The Scripture. The countless ways that God showed us he was with us.
And I felt like I had a kindred spirit in this woman whom I have never met because as she wrote about her experience, it was if she was writing about mine. And, I knew that she knows what it feels like.
She knows what it feels like to feel your baby move inside you and know that your sweet baby feels so healthy within, but will likely not live long outside of your body's loving protection.
She knows what it feels like to look pregnant and to dread going in public because strangers will want to touch your belly and talk excitedly about the baby growing inside. A baby you know will never come home.
She knows what it feels like when that stranger asks the question that leads to truth about your situation and the awkwardness that then emerges in conversation.
She knows what it feels like to continue going to your pre-natal appointments and look around jealously at the other expectant moms in the waiting room who are carrying healthy babies.
She knows what it feels like to not be invited to baby showers because your friends are afraid you will feel bad.
And she knows what it feels to have no one in the world who really knows what it feels like.
No one, but Jesus.
As I read this woman's words about her journey through her pregnancy, I was so reminded of how I depended on the Lord in those months. The gravity of the situation was so great that no one could help me, distract me, soothe me, or strengthen me like the Lord.
In her book, I Will Carry You, she writes about her journey through her pregnancy. And the book is so aptly titled because like me, she was carried through those months by the Lord. Because it was simply too much, too horrific, and too sad to carry herself.
I have been so hesitant to read her description of those months that I lived as well. And I was hesitant because I didn't think I could handle it. And, in some ways, it was very hard to read her writings about it. But, by journeying through that pain again, I was reminded of how faithful the Lord was in that period of my life. And not just in the miracle, but in the carrying.
In both my story and Angie's story, the Lord carried us through. Even though our stories have different endings, the journey through the springtime is the same. And at the very same time in history, he carried two women {two redheads, in fact} who were walking through a valley that was too much to handle on their own. But a valley that so clearly revealed His love, His provision, His strength, and His guidance. And a valley that left two women praising Him for how He revealed Himself in it.
He carried us both in the spring of 2008. Just like he promised he would. And He carried us so that we would know Him more.
I pray you are not going through anything so dire as this. But if you are, may I encourage you today with God's promise that He will carry you.
In fact, He desires to carry you. Let Him. And get to know Him even more. I promise you, you will never be the same.
December